Student Opens Assignment, Immediately Needs Recovery Day

A local student opened one online assignment, read the first three lines, and decided that was enough productivity for the day. Witnesses say they immediately took a “quick break” that somehow lasted four hours and included snacks they didn’t even remember grabbing.

Nation's Phone Battery Begs User to Close Just One Tab

A smartphone battery reportedly begged its owner to close at least one of the 47 tabs open on their phone. The user responded by opening three more and insisting they were all important, even though most were just random stuff they forgot about five minutes later.